Wanna know how to find where you live ?!

If you ever get lost in India and want to find out where you are, this is the best way of doing just that.

Scenario 1

Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along, then a fourth and they start arguing about who's right - you are in kolkata.

Scenario 2

Two guys are fighting. a crowd gathers €to watch. Someone calls police. The police come and lathi charge all the people crowded there. Someone throws stones at the police. The police throw stones back at the crowd. some people are arrested. Damages to the shops nearby. Next day, harthal and holiday declared by government ..You are very much in Lucknow,UP....

Scenario 3

Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along & tries to make peace. The first two get together & beat him up - that's Delhi.

Scenario 4

Two guys are fighting. A crowd gathers to watch. A guy comes along and quietly opens a chai stall - that's ahmedabad.

Scenario 5

Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes. He writes a software program to solve the issue but the fight does not stop because of a bug in the program. That's Bangalore ...

Scenario 6

Two guys are fighting. a crowd gathers to watch. A guy comes along and quietly says that amma doesn't like all this nonsense. Peace comes in - that's chennai.

Scenario 7

Two guys are fighting. Both of them take time out and call their friends on mobile. Now 50 guys are fighting. You are in Hyderabad.

Scenario 8

Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along, sees them and walks on - that's mumbai.

MAN AND GOD

A man is talking to God.

The man: "God, how long is a million years?"
God: "To me, it's about a minute."
The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God: "To me it's a penny."
The man: "God, may I have a penny?"
God: "Wait a minute."



Here is a good riddle to demonstrate the battle-between-the-sexes kind of jokes.

Q: Why did God create the man before he created the woman?
A1: The answer that men give: To give him the chance to enjoy Heaven on Earth for a few moments.
A2: The answer that women give: Everyone makes a draft first!

Funny Pics

SARDAR TAILGATING

One day a truck driver was driving down a highway when he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a Sardar in a little blue car tailgating him. Well, this truck driver hated to be tailgated, so he stops his truck and walks over to the car, which had also stopped and said, "Hey, dude, if you don`t stop tailgating me, I`m going to bust up your car."

So he gets back in truck and drives away.
A little while later he looks in his rear view mirror, and sees the Sardar tailgating him again. So he stops his truck, gets out, and walks over to the car, saying, "Hey dude, stop tailgating me, or I`ll bust up your car."


So he gets back in his truck and drives away.
A little while later he again looks in his rear view mirror, and once again the Sardar is tailgating him. So he stops his truck, walks over to the car, and says, "Dude, Come out....."

So the Sardar steps out of his car, and the truck driver draws a circle on the roadside, saying, "Now don`t step out of that circle."

Then he proceeds to bust up the Sardars car. Smashing the windshields and windows. And the Sardar starts laughing.

The truck driver rips out the seats, and busts all the tires.

And the Sardar keeps laughing.

He takes a sledge hammer from his truck, and pounds in the frame, rips out the steering wheel, cuts the brake lines, etc, until the car is completely totaled.
And the Sardar is still laughing.
The truck driver walks over to the Sardar, and says, "Dude, I just completely totaled your car, and you`re still laughing.
What is so funny?????"


The Sardar replies, giggling,

"I stepped out the circle and you didn't see me!!!!!!!!"

Don't laugh!

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were on their way to Heaven.
God told them that the stairway to Heaven was 1000 steps, and that on every 25th step he would tell them
a joke. He told them not to laugh at any of the jokes along the way or else they would not be able to enter heaven.
The brunette went first and started laughing on the 150th step, so she could not enter heaven.
The redhead went next and started laughing on the 350th step, so she could not enter heaven either.
Then, it was the blonde's turn. When she got to the 999th step, she started laughing.
"Why are you laughing?" God asked. "I didn't tell a joke."
"I know," the blonde replied. "I just got the first joke."

Management Joke - II

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.
A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered: "Sure, why not."

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story is: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

THE ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER.

OLD VERSION.

-------------

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks the ant's a fool and laughs & dances & plays the summer away. Winter comes; the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.

----------------

MODERN VERSION.

----------------

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks the ant's a fool and laughs & dances & plays the summer away.

Winter comes, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.

NDTV, BBC, CNN show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. The World is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be that this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Arundhati Roy stages a demonstration in front of the ant’s house. Medha Patkar goes on a fast along with other grasshoppers demanding that grasshoppers be relocated to warmer climates during winter. Amnesty International and Koffi Annan criticize the Indian Government for not upholding the fundamental rights of the grasshopper. The Internet is flooded with online petitions seeking support to the grasshopper (many promising Heaven and Everlasting Peace for prompt support as against the wrath of God for non-compliance). Opposition MP's stage a walkout. Left parties call for “Bharat Bandh" in West Bengal and Kerala demanding a Judicial Enquiry. CPM in Kerala immediately passes a law preventing Ants from working hard in the heat so as to bring about equality of poverty among ants and grasshoppers. Lalu Prasad allocates one free coach to Grasshoppers on all Indian Railway Trains, aptly named as the 'Grasshopper Rath'.

Finally, the Judicial Committee drafts the Prevention of Terrorism Against

Grasshoppers Act [POTAGA]", with effect from the beginning of the winter.

Arjun Singh makes Special Reservation for Grass Hopper in educational Insititutions & in Govt Services.

The ant is fined for failing to comply with POTAGA and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the Government and handed over to the grasshopper in a ceremony covered by NDTV.

Arundhati Roy calls it "a triumph of justice". Lalu calls it Socialistic Justice'. CPM calls it the 'revolutionary resurgence of the downtrodden' Koffi Annan invites the grasshopper to address the UN General Assembly.

Many years later...The ant has since migrated to the US and set up a multi billion dollar company in Silicon Valley. 100s of grasshoppers still die of starvation despite reservation somewhere in India.

LEAVE LETTERS AND APPLICATIONS

This is a collection of leave letters and applications
written by people in various places of India...



1. Infosys, Bangalore: An employee applied for leave as follows:

Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with
my wife, please sanction me one-week leave.



2. This is from Oracle Bangalore: >From an employee who was performing
the "mundan" ceremony of his 10 year old son:

"as I want to shave my son's head, please leave me for two days.."



3. Another gem from CDAC. Leave-letter from an employee
who was performing his daughter's wedding:

"as I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave.."



4. From H.A.L. Administration dept:

"As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible
for it, please grant me 10 days leave."



5. Another employee applied for half day leave as follows:

"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clock and I
may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"



6. An incident of a leave letter

"I am suffering from fever, please declare one day holiday."



7. A leave letter to the headmaster:

"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache.
I request you to leave me today"



8. Another leave letter written to the headmaster:

"As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day."



9. Covering note:

"I am enclosed herewith..."



10. Another one:

"Dear Sir: with reference to the above, please refer to my below..."



11. Actual letter written for application of leave:

"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home
I may be granted leave".



12. Letter writing: -

"I am in well here and hope you are also in the same well."



13. A candidate's job application:

"This has reference to your advertisement calling for a ' Typist and an
Accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both(!! )for the past several years
and I can handle both with good experience, I am applying for the post.

A very very very touching love story

There was a mosquito and a dog who loved each other a lot

………..


One day the mosquito got excited and gave a love bite to the dog

……..


The dog became emotional and bit the mosquito

…….


The next day

………………….
….

….

….

….

….

….

….


….

….

….

….

….

….


Mosquito died of rabies and dog died of malaria………………..



What a touching story………………………..!!!!!!

Hen and her chickens

A hen and her 3 little chickens were trying to cross a busy highway.
After great efforts they all managed to cross it. One of the little ones yells out happily-"Wow. ...after so much efforts, all 5 of us managed to cross"

....

Qn. Why does the little one say "all 5 of us" ????

Think a little bit ....... Its easy !SCROLL DOWN FOR THE

ANS:
ARRE BACHCHE HAIN...KUCH BHI BOL DETE HAIN ...TU TENSION MAT LE APNA KAAM KAR

Scare Compilation........Watch it

Musharraf, Manmohan, Aishwarya Rai and Sonia in a train

Musharraf, Manmohan, Aishwarya rai and Sonia are traveling in a train. The train goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap! The train comes out of the tunnel.The women and Manmohan are sitting there looking perplexed. Musharraf is bent over holding his face, which is RED from an apparent slap. All of them remain diplomatic and nobody says anything.
Sonia is thinking:
These Pakistanis are all crazy after Aishwarya. Musharraf must have tried to kiss her in the tunnel. Very proper that she slapped him.
Aishwarya is thinking:
Musharraf must have tried to kiss me but kissed Sonia instead and got slapped.
Musharraf is thinking:
Damn it. Manmohan must have tried to kiss Aishwarya. She might have thought it was me and slapped me.
Manmohan is thinking:
If this train goes through another tunnel I will make another kissing sound and slap Musharraf again.

A sardarni's letter to her son

My dear Jagjit,

I am in a well here and hoping you are also in a well there.
I'm writing this letter slowly, because I know you cannot read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen 20 miles from home, so we moved 20 miles.I won't be able to send the address as the last Sardar who stayed here took the house numbers with them for their new house so they would not have to change their address. Hopefully by next week we will be able to take our earlier address plate here, and that our address will remain same too.This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine, situated right above the toilet I'm not sure it works too well. Last week I put in 3 shirts, pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.The weather here isn't too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first time it rained for 3 days and second time for 4 days.The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all the metal buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket.Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass at the cemetery.By the way I took Bahu to our club's poolside. The manager is Badmash. He told her that two piece swimming suit is not allowed in his club. We were confused as to which piece should we remove?Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it is a girl or a boy, so I don't know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle.Your uncle, Jetinder fell in the nearby well. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off bravely and drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.

There isn't much more news this time. Nothing much has happened.Love - Mom.

P.S. Jagjit, I was going to send you some money but by the time I realized, I had already sealed off this letter

Utterly Butterly Delicious --- AMUL!...

Corporate Lesson - Part 1

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk."I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world" Poof! She's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

SEE HOW TSUNAMI STARTED

THANK GOD....!!"

A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee.....

On his first day, he dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone:
"Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!"

The voice from the other side responded: "You fool, you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know whom you're talking to?"

"No" replied the trainee........

"It's the Managing Director of the company, you idiot!"

The trainee shouted back: "And do you know whom YOU are talking to, you IDIOT?"

"No!" replied the Managing Director angrily.

"Thank God....!!" replied the trainee and put down the phone..

SANTA SINGH ANSWERS MEDICAL TERMINOLOGY

Have you heard of Mr. Santa Singh applying to a medical school to become a doctor? Needless to say he never made it. You know why? These are the answers he wrote in his entrance exam.

Antibody - against everyone
Artery - The study of the paintings.
Bacteria - back door to a cafeteria.
Caesarean section - a district in Rome.
Cardiology - advance study of poker playing.
Cat scan - searching for lost kitty.
Chronic - neck of a crow.
Coma - punctuation mark.
Cortisone - area around local court.
Cyst - short for sister.
Diagnosis - person with slanted nose.
Dilate - the late British Princess Diana.
Dislocation - in this place.
Duodenum - couple in blue jeans.
Enema - not a friend.
Fake labour - pretending to work.
Genes - blue denim.
Hernia - she is close by.
Impotent - distinguished/well known.
Labour pain - hurt at work.
Lactose - people without toes.
Lymph - walk unsteadily.
Microbes - small dressing gown.
Obesity - city of Obe.
Pacemaker - winner of Nobel peace prize.
Proteins - in favor of teens.
Pulse - grain.
Pus - small cat.
Red blood count - Dracula.
Secretion - hiding anything.
Tablet - small table.
Ultrasound - radical noise.

LETS TALK

A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane. Being bored, he turned to the girl and said, "Let's talk. I''ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, "What would you like to talk about?" Oh, I don't know," said the guy. "How about nuclear power?" "OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff.......grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?" The guy thought about it and said, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which the girl replied,

"Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don''t know sh*t?"

TWO LOVERS

When the girl's father came to know about their love, he did not like it at all, and so began to protest about it. Now it happened that the two lovers decided to leave their homes for a happy future. The girl's father started searching for the two lovers but could not find them. At last, he accepted their love and asked them to come back home thru a local newspaper. Her father said "If you both come back I will allow you to marry the guy you love, I accept that you loved each other truly." So in this way, their love won and they returned home. The couple next day went to town to shop for the wedding dress. He was dressed in a white shirt that day. While he was crossing the road to the other side to get some drinks for his wife, a car came and hit him and he died on the spot. The girl was devastated and lost her senses. It was only after sometime that she recovered from her shock. The funeral and cremation was the very next day because he had died horribly. Two nights later, the girl's mother had a dream in which she saw an old lady. The old lady asked her mother to wash the blood stains of the guy from her daughter's dress as soon as possible. But her mother ignored the dream. The next night her father had the same dream, he also ignored it. Then the girl had the same dream the next night, she woke up in fear and told her mother about the dream. Her mother asked her to wash the clothes with the blood stains immediately. She washed the stains but some remained. Next night she again had the same dream. She again washed the stains but some still remained. But again the next night she had the same dream and this time the old lady gave her a last warning to wash the blood stain, or else something terrible would happen. This time the girl tried her best to wash the stains, and the clothes nearly tore, but some stains still remained. She was very tired. In the late evening the same day while she was alone at home, someone knocked on the door. When she opened the door she saw the same old lady of her dream standing at her door. She got very scared and fainted. The old lady woke her up... and gave her a blue object, which shocked the girl. She asked "What is this...?" The old lady replied... . . . . . . . .



"This is Nirma Washing Powder" "Washing powder nirma,Washing powder nirma Doodh si safedi nirma se aaye, Rangeen kapde bhi khil khil jaye, sabki pasand nirma Washing powder nirma,Washing powder nirma.Nirma"
10 ka 1, do pe ek free

100 sardars killed in a train accident

Aaj Tak(news channel) gets news that 100 sardars are killed in a train accidentat Amritsar station.

Only one sardar left alive.

The correspondent goes to him and asks, Sardarji how did it happen?
Sardar: oh ji pucho mat.. sab kuch sahi tha sab log platform par khade gaadi ki wait karrahe they. Achanak announcement hui ki shatabdee express 2 no. platform par aa rahi hai.Jaise hi sab ne suna ki gaddi PLATFORM PAR aa rahi hai, sab log apni jaan bachane ke liyepatri par kood gaye. Aur tabhi gaddi patri par aa gayi.

Aaj tak: Thank god. Aap ne samajhdari dikhayee. Aap patri par nahin koode.Sardar: oye nahin ji main to suicide karne ki liye patri par hi leta tha.Jaise hi announcement hui main to platform par chad gaya

Something went wrong ;P

One night a guy dropped his girlfriend at her home. As they were about to wish each other goodnight at the front door, the guy started feeling a little in the mood. With an air of confidence, he leaned with his hand against the wall and smiling, he said to her "Honey , would you give me a kiss?"

Horrified, she replied, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" He asked grinning at her.
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?""
Oh come on!There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!".
"No way , it's just too risky!"
"Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?".
"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!".
"Oh yes you can. Please?"
"No, no. I just can't" "I'm begging you ...

"Out of the blue, the light on the stairs went on, andThe girl's elder sister showed up in her pajamas, hair dishevelled, And in a sleepy voice she said,"Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss, or I can do it. Or if need Be, mom says she can come down herself and do it, but for God's sake and all of ours....TELL HIM TO TAKE HIS HAND OFF THE DOOR BELL ........

Management Jokes - Part 1

The manager of a large corporation got a heart attack, and the doctor told him to go for several weeks to a farm to relax. The guy went to a farm, and after a couple of days he was very bored, so he asked the farmer to give him some job to do.The farmer told him to clean the shit of the cows. The farmer thought that to somebody coming from the city, working the whole life sitting in an office, it will take over a week to finish the job, but for his surprise the manager finished the job in less than one day.The next day the farmer gave to the manager a more difficult job: to cut the heads of 500 chickens. The farmer was sure that the manager will not be able to do the job, but at the end of the day the job was done.The next morning, as most of the jobs in the farm were done, the farmer asked the manager to divide a bag of potatoes in two boxes: one box with small potatoes, and one box with big potatoes.At the end of the day the farmer saw that the manager was sitting in front of the potatoes bag, but the two boxes were empty. The farmer asked the manager: "How is that you made such difficult jobs during the first days, and now you cannot do this simple job?"

The manager answered: "Listen, all my life I'm cutting heads and dealing with shit, but now you ask me to make decisions."

Set of Sardar Jokes - Part 2

Ladka: Janeman is dil mein aaja.
Ladki: Sandal nikalu kya?
Ladka: Pagli mandir thodi hi hai, aise hi aaja!!

============================

Sardar : Sitting on The Top of the Mountain and Studying.... When aPerson asked what he was doing.... He replied... Oye!! Higher Studies Yaar...!

============================

Sardar: O Banno Car ki speed itani ky badha di..?
biwi: Oji Car ki break fail ho gayi hai, Exident ho jaye iske pahale ghar pahunch jaate hai.
============================

How can a Sardar Kill a Lion ? Sardarji thinks N thinks hard & comes to a conclusion: I'll drink poison n let lion eat me. O' bolo ta ra ra.
============================

Situational : A sons letter to his dad

A father passing by his Son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed.


It was addressed to "Dad"


With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:



Dear Dad,


It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.

I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice-even with all her piercing's, tattoo's, and her tight Motorcycle clothes.

But it's not only the passion dad, she's pregnant and Joan said that we will be very happy.

Even though you don't care for her as she is so much older than I, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.

She wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too.

Joan taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and
ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.


Your son, Justin


PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house.

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer.

I love you!

Call when it is safe for me to come home!!

COMPANY POLICY

Dress Code
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

Bereavement Leave
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Toilet Use
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category." Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation's, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

Smart Blonde

A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains how the game works: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and visa versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The chauvinistic lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer: "Okay, how about this "If you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Air phone with his modem and searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, of searching for the answer he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little frustrated, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what is the answer?"
Again without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

REST IN PEACE

A new business was opening, and a long-time friend of the owner decided to send flowers for the occasion.
He arrived at the "grand opening", accepted a glass of champagne and a warm handshake from his host, then browsed about the room examining the many floral arrangements and potted plants. Finally, he happened upon his own offering, only to find an attached card bearing this sentiment: "Rest in Peace"
Embarrassed and irate at the florist's error, he phoned to lodge a complaint. After venting his anger in a lengthy tirade, he waited impatiently for the florist's explanation. "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry....imagine this: Somewhere a funeral is taking place today, and they have a lovely floral spray with an attached note saying: CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR NEW LOCATION

TRAVELLERS SUBJECT

Here are some signs and notices written in English that were discovered throughoutthe world. You have to give the writers an 'E' for Effort

In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person
to do such thing is please not to read notis.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time
we regret that you will be unbearable.

In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the
hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

In a Yugoslavian hotel:The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the
chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: You are
welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In a Bangkok dry cleaner's: Drop your trousers here for best results.

A sign posted in Germany's Black forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest
camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.

In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a
good time.

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we
guarantee no miscarriages.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?

In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.

In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself..

BEER TEST

Warning: Beer Contains Female Hormones

Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.

Look whos Listening

Boys will be boys

A new lady teacher came to teach 8th standard students.
As it was the first day, she gave her intro, and asked all the students to introduce themselves with name and hobby.
She said, "Let's start with the boys first."
Boys start giving their intro...First boy: "My name is John, and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub."

Teacher was confused to listen but said, "Interesting. Well, Ok. In fact, we must be honest in telling the hobby. And after all there is essentially a child in each of us. So it's ok John.
Yes next."
Second boy: "Myself Peter and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub.
"Teacher now got surprised and said, "Good. I like the spirit of supporting a friend.
Ok next."Third boy: "I'm Smith and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub.
"Teacher: "Guys are you joking or what? Please be sincere.
Ok next.
"This continues...and the last boy stands up "I'm Harry and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub."
Exhausted, the teacher said, "I don't think I will be able to teach un-grown boys for long.
Anyway, now the girls please."First girl: "I'm Julie and my hobby is to see birds."Teacher: "Good. At last I got something different. Ok next."
Second girl: "I'm Ruby and I like to collect perfumes."Teacher "Now it's like educated grown up girls. Ok~next. You sweet girl;
Yes you..."Most beautiful girl of the class:

"Mam, my name is Bubble, and my hobby is to take bath three times aday."

Terrorist School

Sardar Terrorist

How to Treat a Rude Customer??????

An award should go to the gate attendant at Luqa airport.

A crowded Malta-London flight was cancelled. She was the lone attendant in charge of
re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".

The attendant replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, But I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention please? May I have your attention please?" she began. With her voice being heard clearly throughout the terminal, she said, "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "F... You!" Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."

Misc. Jokes - Part I

Lady : Is this my train?
Station Master : No, it belongs to the Railway Company.
Lady : Don't try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to New Delhi.
Station Master : No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy.

~~~~~~

A drunkard was brought to court.Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery.The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, "Order, order."The drunkard immediately responded, "Thank you, your honor, I'll have a scotch and soda."

~~~~~~~

Customer :Waiter, do you serve crabs?
Waiter :Please sit down sir, we serve everyone.

~~~~~~

Customer:Waiter, is this a lamb chop or pork chop?
Waiter:Can't you tell the difference by taste?
Customer:No, I can't.
Waiter:Then does it really matter?

~~~~~~

Little Susie came running into the house after school one day, shouting,"Daddy!Daddy! I got a 100 in school today!""That's great, Sweetheart," said her daddy."Come in to the living room and tell me about it.""Well, "began the confession, "I got 50 in spelling, 30 in math's and 20 in science."

~~~~~~

Customer:Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup.
Waiter:Yes sir, they are not very good swimmers.

~~~~~~

Customer:Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
Waiter:That' s all right sir, he won't drink much.

~~~~~~

Waiter: I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer: Don't tell me your problems. Give the menu card.

~~~~~~~~~

Customer :Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea up?
Waiter :I wouldn't know sir, I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller.

~~~~~~~

1st thief :Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window!
2nd thief:But this is the 13th floor.
1st thief :Hurry! this is no time for superstitions.

~~~~~~~~

Man: How old is your father?
Boy: As old as me.
Man : How can that be?
Boy : He became father only when i was born

~~~~~~~~~~~

Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband:Sure, what are my choices?
Wife :Yes and no.

Hope u had fun.

DIVER

One day a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 ft below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, but he had on no scuba gear whatsoever. The diver went below another 20 ft but the guy joined him a few minutes later. The diver went below 25 ft, but minutes later, the same guy joined him. This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalk-and-board set, and wrote, "How the hell are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?" The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote,

"I'M DROWNING, YOU MORON!!!"

DHABA

Kakey da dhaaba (in London) has evoked another anecdote on cheap eating places. An Indian abroad ran out of foreign exchange and went looking for the cheapest eating place in town. He located an Indian restaurant and went in. He found three sections: 'European, Chinese, and Indian' He went into the Indian. It was divided into two: Vegetarian and non-vegetarian. He went into the vegetarian which was further divided into pure ghee and vanaspati. He went to the vanaspati section and found yet another division: Cash or credit. Cheered at the prospect of not having to pay in foreign exchange he opted for the Credit section.
When he got to it he found the sign: "Exit: get out."

Look what the BCCI has done ... :D ....

Sir, I think I am gonna take VRS and become an umpire like you. Even without making runs or taking wickets I will get my salary right...

Hey buddy, try and take this catch or else your salary 15k is gone...

Brother, anyways you gonna get out after making 10-15 runs and get only a % of your salary. Why don't you get out now at 0. I will make sure you get your full amount...

Sir, they are fans, they want their ticket amount refunded if the team doesn't perform well..

Drat... These people show this all the time and keep insulting us..

Set of Sardar Jokes - Part 1

Sardar declares:
.. . . I will never marry in my life&. . .
.. . . I'll give same advice to my children also. . . . .

LoL!
============ ========= =========
Santa went to mysore palace.

Tourist guide - santaji plz dont sit there, its Tipu sultan's chair
Santa - oye dont worry yaar i'll get up when he comes.!!..

============ ========= =========

A donkey kicked sardar & ran away

sardar ran to catch the donkey. He saw a zebra & started beating it &said 'SALA Tracksuit pahan ke dhoka de raha hai'.

============ ========= =========

Hope you enjoyed!!

Wrong e-mail Address

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room. So he decided to send an E-MAIL to his wife.

However he accidently typed the wrong e-mail address and without realising his error, he sent the message. Meanwhile,

somewhere in mumbai a widow had just returned home from her husband's funrel. The widow decided to check her mail,

expecting message from her relatives and friends.; After reading the first message she fainted. The widow's son rushed into

the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:



---------------------------------------------------------

To: My loving wife
Subject: I've just reached
Date: 13th oct 2006

I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to sent e-mails to your loved ones.

I've just reached and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tommorrow. Looking forward to seeing you.

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was;

why parents have gray hair

Just a reminder........

Why Parents Have Gray Hair

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed nicely made up and everything neat and tidy.

Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom.

I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice. I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am but it's not only the passion, Dad, she's pregnant.

Joan says that we are going to be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood, enough for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your son, Chad

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my desk drawer.

I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home!

Upstairs with Uncle Paul

"Hello?"

"Hi honey

This is Daddy.

Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy.

She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause,

Daddy says,

"But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."

"Oh yes I do,and he's upstairs in the room

with Mommy, right now."

Brief Pause.

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.

Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs

and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy

that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy,just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it Daddy."

"And what happened honey?" he asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared,jumped out of bed with no

clothes on and ran around screaming.Then she tripped over the rug, hit

her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was

all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming

pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week

to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***

***Even Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says,

"Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?"

SOFTWARE HUSBAND

Husband : ( Returning late form work ) "Good evening Dear, I'm now
logged in."
Wife : Have you brought the ring ?
Husband : Bad command or filename.
Wife : But I told you in the morn...
Husband : Erroneous syntax.
Wife : What about my new blouse ?
Husband : Variable not found ...
Wife : At least, give me your Credit Card, I want to do some shopping.
Husband : Sharing Violation. Access denied ...
Wife : Do you love me or do you only love computers or are you just being
funny ?
Husband : Too many parameters. Abort!...
Wife : It was a grave mistake that I married an idiot like you.
Husband : Data type mismatch.
Wife : You are a useless nut.
Husband : Default Parameter.
Wife : What about your Salary ?
Husband : Access denied. File in use...
Wife : Who was in the car this morning ?
Husband : System unstable. Press CTRL + ALT + DEL to Reboot

SARDAR BANTA SINGH KNOWS SOME SECRETS OF PAKISTAN

How do you stop a Pakistani tank ?
Shoot the men who are pushing it.
How do you disable a Pakistani tank?
Hide the wind-up key.
How do you disable Pakistani missiles?
Cut the rubber band.
Pakistani Air Force officials have recently motioned for a name change for the PAF. They want to call it the PMC, the Pakistani Mining Corps. This is because their planes end up in the ground anyway.
Pakistani military researchers have recently ordered for the enlargement of the hatches on tanks and other armoured vehicles. This is so they can be more easily abandoned in enemy territory.
Have you ever seen Pakistani war heroes?
Neither has Pakistan.
Did you hear about the latest Pakistani invention?
It's a solar powered flashlight.
Did you hear about the other latest Pakistani invention?
The new automatic parachutes. They open on impact.
How do you sink a Pakistani battleship?
Put it in water.
Did you hear about the 747 jet which crashed into a cemetery in Karachi?
The Pakistani officials have so far recovered 3000 bodies.
Did you hear about the Pakistani admiral who had asked to be buried at sea?
Five Pakistani sailors died digging his grave.
Did you hear about the other tragedy in Karachi ?
There was a terrible power cut in Karachi's Four Square Shopping Mall. People were stuck on the escalator for four hours.
Did you hear about the Pakistani family that froze to death outside a theatre ? They were waiting to see the movie "Closed for the winter".
Did you hear about the Pakistani helicopter crash ?
The pilot felt cold, so he turned off the fan.
Why do Pakistani dogs have flat noses ?
They get it from chasing parked cars.
Did you hear about the Pakistani who studied diligently for five days ?
He was scheduled to take a medical test.
Did you hear about the shutdown of the Karachi National Library ?
Somebody stole the book.

SANTA SING AND STUDENTS

Sardar Santa Singhji is the english teacher in a school. He is very well renowned for all his students do very well in exams. The school is having an inspection and the inspector decided to visit the english class. This is what transpires : Santa Singh : " Bolo bachon GADHA "
Students (in chorous) : "GADHA "
Santa Singh : " Bolo bachon GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE GADHA "
Students (in chorous) : "GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE GADHA "
Santa Singh : " Bolo bachon GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE GADHA, GADHE KE PECHE MAI"
Students (in chorous) : "GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE MAI"
Santa Singh : " Bolo bachon GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE GADHA, GADHE KE PECHE MAI AUR MERE PECHE SAARA DESH "
Students (in chorous) : "GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE MAI AUR MERE PECHE SAARA DESH"
By this time the inspector is furious . He confronts the principal and shouts at him "What is this Santa Singh teaching to students. He is supposed to be taking an English class and what he is saying is GADHA ,GADHE KE PECHE GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE MAI AUR MERE PECHE SAARA DESH. The principle too is shocked , Santa Singh the famous English teacher doing this. He immediately sends for Santa Singh.
Principal: " Santa singhji what nonsense are you telling these students, GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE GADHA, GADHE KE PECHE MAI AUR MERE PECHE SAARA DESH".
Santa Singh : "Yes I was telling all this in class, but I was only teaching the students the spellings of assassination.:- Ass-Ass-I-Nation

THE 4 SARDARJIS

There were 4 sardars in Mumbai. They decided to start a business.They had a lot of discussions on the type of business and finally decided to start a hotel. They selected the best of locations and cooks and built the hotel.
The hotel was inaugrated and was awaiting its first customer. The sardars waited and waited but nobody turned up. The story was the same the next day. A week passed but noboby turned up.
WHY ? –
Bcos there was a sign at the entrance "Visitors not allowed."

After the failure of their hotel they decided to start an auto garage. They bought the best of car servicing equipments and soon started the garage.
The 4 sardars waited that day for the first car to arrive but no car entered their garage. They waited for one day, 2 days ,a week but no car came to their garage.
WHY ?
B'cos their garage was on the first floor.

After this failure they decided to fall back on the good old taxi driving. They bought a new Premier Padmini running on CNG and began to look for passengers. They drew past Churchgate but nobody hailed their taxi. They went to Nariman point yet nobody hailed their taxi. They drove to Chatrapati Shivaji Terminus, even there nobody hailed their taxi. In desperation they kept on driving all around Mumbai but alas no one hailed their taxi.
WHY ?
B'cos all the four sardars were sitting in the taxi.

All the 4 sardars were very disgusted with their naseeb and decided to push their taxi into the sea at Marine Lines. They started pushing their taxi.
They pushed the whole day and were very exhausted but the taxi did not move even an inch. They decided to rest for the night and start the next day. The next day the story repeated itself. The taxi just wouldnt move. They pushed for a whole week but the taxi wouldnt budge.

WHY ?
B'cos two sardarjis were pushing from front and two from behind.

TRAIN TO LUDHIANA

Sardars Hari Singh and Gani Singh are in a railway station. Hari Singh asks the clerk:
"Can I take this train to Ludhiana?". "No," answers the Railway man. "Can I?" asks
Gani Singh.

LONG FLIGHT

Sardarji calls Air India. "How long does it take to fly to Amritsar?"
"Just a sec," comes an answer.
"Thank you." says the Sardarji and hangs up!

CHANDIGARH OR JALANDHAR

Sardar was going to Chandigarh from pune by a air-india plane. He was alloted the middle seat of one of the 3-seats array. But as soon as the sardarji got into the plane, he sat on the window side seat which was actually for an old lady. After some time the old lady came and requested the sardarji to leave the side seat. But the sardaji told: "I want to see the view from the window and shall not leave". The old lady then complained to the air hostess. The air hostess came and requested the sardarji to leave that seat. But sardarji was adament and did not leave. Then the air hostess went and told the asst capt. He also came and requested, but in vain. Finally the Captain came. He whispered something in the ears of the sardarji, and the
sardarji immedietly left the side seat and returned to the middle seat. Astonished, the airhostess and the asst. capt. asked the capt. what he told to the sardarji. Capt. replied: "nothing. I just told him that only the middle seats will go to Chandigarh. All others will go to Jalandhar."

Head ya Tail

Sardar Gurbachan Singh is appearing for his University final examination which consists of Y/N type questions. He takes his seat in the Examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his wallet out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Y for Heads and N for Tails. Within half an hour he is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, he is seen desperatley throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The invigilator,alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on. "Oye, I finished the exam in half and hour". "But yaar", he says, " I am rechecking my answers."

DOUBLE DECKER BUS RIDE

Santa Singh and Banta Singh landed up in Bombay. They managed to get into a
double- decker bus. Santa Singh somehow managed to get a bottom seat, But
unfortunate Banta got pushed to the top. After a while when the rush is over, Santa
went upstairs to see friend Bannta Singh. He met Banta in a bad condition clutching
the seats in front with both hands, scared to death. He says, "Are Banta Singh! What
the heck's going' on? Why are you scared ? I was enjoying my ride down there ?"
Scared Banta replies. "Yeah, but you've got a *driver.* "

HEIGHTS OF REVENGE

Talking about those days when there were no mosquito repellents and we had to
spend sleepless nights. Sardarji was also experiencing the same every time he tries
to sleep, one mosquito comes and disturbs his sleep with a sound "guooonn, guooonn.".
He gets very irritated. He tries to cover his ear but the problem remains persistent.
Ultimately he gets up and catches the mosquito in his hand. He is very kind and not
for the blood shed but still wanted to take revenge. Happy as he is now starts singing
a lullaby and says "so ja machchar, bete so ja". After some time he finds the
mosquito falling in to deep sleep in his hands. So he goes near it and says
"Guoooonnnnn, guoooonnnnn."

SARDAR AT INDO-PAK WAR

Once in the Indo Pakistan war, Pakistan was fighting fiercely and capturing everything in sight. A sikh camp called Gurudwara hideout was crucial to defend from the pakistanis as it contained all the defence secrets. The pakistani forces surrounded the base and the sikhs had thought that they had lost the battle but, suddenly out of the bushes jumps Captain. Hari Singh wearing a Maachar dani!(mosquito net) He Pulls out his AK-47 rifle and fires like mad. The pakistanis run off quickly. The next day Hari Singh gets a medal. His friends ask him "Yaar thu maachar daani kyon pehenke gaya tha?" Hari Singh replies "Maachar daani itni patli hote hain ki agar maachar nahin ghus sakte, goli kahan se ghussenghi?
In the following war Hari Singh retires and his son Gani Singh joins the army. Pakistanis are again surrounding the Gurudwara hideout, the sikhs again think they've lost the war but out of the bushes erupts Gani Singh wearning nothing he tries do shoo away the pakistanis like his father did but instead gets shot. In the hospital his friends tell him "aare yaar, therre bap me tho itni akal thi ki vo maachar daani pehen ke gaya tha, aur tu nunga chale gaya". Gani Singh replies "aare yaar main tho odomos lage ke gaya tha"!

EMPLOYMENT?

Our sardarji was filling up an application form for a job. He promptly filled the columns titled NAME,AGE,ADDRESS etc. Then he came to the column Salary Expected : He was not sure as to what to be filled there. After much thought he wrote : Yes

ANOTHER COUNT!

Our Sardar is walking down the street and sees a man jumping up and down on a manhole cover yelling "86, 86, 86". He asks the man, "Excuse me, but why are you jumping up and down on this manhole cover and yelling '86, 86, 86'?" The man says, "Well, I can't tell you that, but if you really want to know, I can let you go under there and find out. He thinks for a moment, then his curiosity gets the better of him, and he says, "Okay." The man lifts the manhole cover, He steps into the manhole, and the man puts the manhole cover back and starts jumping up and down on it yelling "87, 87, 87"...

SARDAR IN HEAVEN

A Sardar died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gate Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly soul must answer two questions:
1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T".
2. How many seconds are there in a year?
The Sardar thought for a few minutes and answered...
1. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and Tomorrow.
2. There are 12 seconds in a year.
Saint Peter said, "OK, I'll buy the Today and Tomorrow, even though it's not the answer I expected, so your answer is correct. But how did you get only 12 seconds in a year?"
The Sardar replied, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd,March 2nd, etc...."
Saint Peter lets him in without another word

HOW TO LOOSE WEIGHT...

The doctor told Sardarji that if he ran eight kilometers a day for 300 days, he would loose 34 kilos. At the end of 300 days, Sardarji called the doctor to report he had lost the weight, but he had a problem. "What's the problem?" asked the doctor. "I'm 2400 kms away from home."

Kofee with sardar

Q: "Have you ever read Shakespeare?"
Sardar: "No, who wrote it?"
* * * * *
Sardar ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
"Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."
* * * * *
Why did 18 sardarjis go to a movie?
Because below 18 was not allowed.
* * * * * *
How do you measure a Sardar's intelligence?
Stick a tire pressure gauge in his ear
* * * * * *
What do you do when a Sardar throws a pin at you?
Run like Hell....he's got a hand grenade in his mouth.
* * * * * *
How do you make a Sardar laugh on Saturday?
Tell him a joke on Wednesday.
* * * * * *
What is the Sardar doing when he holds his hands tightly over his ears?
Trying to hold on to a thought.
* * * * * *
Why do Sardars work seven days a week?
So you don't have to re-train them on Monday.
* * * * * *
Why can't Sardars make ice cubes?
They always forget the recipe.
* * * * * *
How did the Sardar try to kill the bird?
He threw it off a cliff.
* * * * * *
What do you call 10 Sardars standing ear to ear?
A wind tunnel.
* * * * * *
What do you see when you look into a Sardar's eyes?
The back of his head.
* * * * * *
What do you do when a Sardar throws a hand grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back.
* * * * * *
What do you call a sardar who drinks only beer?
Just-beer Singh ('T' silent!).
* * * * * *
What do you call a sardar who has only one drink?
Just-one Singh.
* * * * * *
Why does Sardar always smile during lightning storms?
They think their picture is being taken.
* * * * * *
Why does Sardar have "TGIF" written on their shoes?
Toes Go In First.
* * * * * *
How can you tell when Sardar sends you a fax?
It has a stamp on it.
* * * * * *
Why can't Sardar dial 911?
They can not find the eleven on the phone
* * * * * *
How do you get Sardar on the roof?
Tell him the drinks are on the house.
* * * * * *
"Oh, look at the dead bird."
Sardar looked skyward and said "Where, Where?
* * * * * *
What do smart Sardar and UFOs have in common?
You always hear about them but you never see them.
* * * * * *
Why does it take longer to build a Sardar snowman as opposed to a regular one?
You have to hollow out the head.

Proof of Sardar

You should be sure the person is Sardar when he:
puts lipstick on the forehead because he wants to make up his mind.
gets stabbed in a shoot-out.
sends a fax with a postage stamp on it.
tries to drown a fish in water.
thinks socialism means partying.
trips over a cordless phone.
takes a ruler to bed to see how long he slept.
At the bottom of the application where it says "Sign Here" he puts
"Sagittarius.".
studies for a blood test and fails.
sells the car for gas money.
misses the 44 bus, and takes the 22 twice instead.
drives to the airport and sees a sign that said, "Airport left", he turns around and
goes home.
gets locked in Furniture Shop and sleeps on the floor

For Men

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish." The sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honour and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge ..........

For all Men

When we are born, our mother's get the compliments and the flowers.
When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity.
When we die, our widows get the life insurance. What do women want to be liberated from?

A man's Life

The average man's life consists of:

Twenty years of having his mother ask him where he is going,
Forty years of having his wife ask the same question; and at the end, the mourners wondering too.

Guardian Angel

A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind, "If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.
He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road.
Once again the voice shouted, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die."
The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
The man asked. "Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh, yeah?" the man asked "And where the hell were you when I got married?????????"

Credit card

Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle to give away to groom.
They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed some thing in his hand.
Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to the father by bride.
The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say something.
So he announced "Ladies and Gentlemen today is the luckiest day of my life." Then he raises his hands with what his daughter gave him and continued,
"My daughter finally, finally returned my credit card to me."
The whole audience including priest started laughing but not the poor groom

Made in India

Once a Japanese came to India. He took an Auto on the way to a Hotel. While traveling on the way a Honda car overtook the Auto. Japanese: Honda made in Japan, Very fast. After sometime a Toyota car overtook the Auto. Japanese: Toyota made in Japan, very fast. After reaching the hotel he asked the driver, How much?
Driver: 800Rs
Japanese: why so expensive????
Driver: Meter made in India....Very Fast!!!!!

Globalization

Q.Define Globalization.

Ans: Princess Diana's death............How???????........English princess with Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, riding a German car with Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian drunk on Scotish whisky, followed closely by Italian Paparazzi on a Japanese bike, treated by an American doctor using Brazilian medicine.

.....This message was created by an India using a Chinese mobile smuggled by a Pakistani through Nepali Courier.......THATS GLOBALIZATION

Laugh Out Loud - Part I

3+ 3 =8
Bataao Kaise?











Bataao Bataao!







Nahi Pata?!!








Are
Galati se!!!!!!!!!!!

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1) Smoking
2) Drinking
3) Charas
4) Ganja
5) Chicken
6) Mutton
7) Oily food
8) Masala
9) Sleep & obesity
10) Pollution

= Heart Attack

Matlab


scrolll down


















DUS bahane karke le gaye DIL !!

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Other than being fruits, what is common between an Apple and an
Orange ?


think......
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socho socho
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the answer is ..........
They Both Are Not a Banana !!

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Some more ... on its way ;)