Indian Chap ...

A Small story.

The Manager says: "Do you have any sales experience?"

The Indian says: "Sir, I was a salesman back home in India." Well, the boss liked the Indian chappie so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow.. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.

"How many sales did you make today?"

Indian boy says: "Sir, Just ONE sale."

The boss says: "Just one? No! No! No! You see here our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day." If you want to keep this job, you'd better be doing better than just one sale.

By the way, how much was the sale for?"
Indian boy says: " $101 237. 64" Boss says: "$101 237. 64?
What the hell did you sell?"
Indian boy says: "Sir, First I sell him small fishhook.
Then I sell him medium fishhook.
Then I sell him large fishhook.
Then I sold him new fishing rod and some fishing gear.
Then I ask him where he's going fishing and he said down on the coast, so I told him he'll be needing a boat, so we went down to the boating department and I sell him twin engine Chris Craft.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to our automotive department and sell him that 4X4 Blazer.
I then ask him where he'll be staying, and since he had no accommodation, I took him to camping department and sell him one of those new igloo 6 sleeper camper tents.
Then the guy said, while we're at it, I should throw in about $100 worth of groceries and two cases of beer.

The boss said: "You're not serious? A guy came in here to buy a fishhook and you sold him a boat, a 4X4 truck and a tent?"


Indian boy says: "No Sirji, actually he came in to buy Anacin for his headache, and I said: Well, fishing is the best way to relax your mind."

Amitabh Bachchan ka Maalik

This is when Amitabh Bachan got fit after his long illness.....

one fine morning he told his drvier "Arre bhai aaj Gaadi hum chalayenge..".driver, "Par saab aapki tabyat?.."amitabh "Aree meri tabyat thik ho gayi he, I am fit and fine...kya dance karke dikhau, dialogue, fighting kare dikhau.......

Hain"Ok then he starts driving the car very fast.... zoooooooooom breaks one red signal.........

breaks second red signal..........

breaks on more red signal...........

.........

Then a traffic hawaldar stops the car, tells the car to be sided to the road..Tells the driver to come out... "Chalo liscence dikhao, puc, gaadi ke kagjaaat..." Sees amitabh "are Amitabh Bachhan?!!!" he is verysuprised to see him.........

Then he quickly on wireless calls his senior officers...."Sir, aap jaldi yaha aye naake par..."Sir "KYun kya hua??" Havaldar: "Sir ek gaadi ne signal toda he aur maine us gaadi ko side me rakha he"Sir: "To phir?"hawaldar: "Sir, Us gaadi ka maalik bahut bada aadmi he sir .... mein uska challan nahi phaad sakta aap khud yaha aiye .." ............

.........


Sir "KON MAALIK HE US GAADI KA??"HAWALDAR : "WOH TO PATA NAHI SIR PAR USNE NA SIR ... AMITABH BACHHAN KO DRIVER RAKHA HE....".

THE PERFECT HUSBAND

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a golf club. After a round, showering and getting changed for the 19th hole.

Suddenly a mobile phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:

(H - Husband, W - Wife)

H - "Hello ?"

W - "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club? "

H - "Yes."

W -"Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful leather coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"

H -"What's the price?"

W - "Only $1,000."

H - "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."

W -"Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2005 models. I saw one I really liked. It's a SLK model. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price. And since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year...

H - "What price did he quote you?"

W - "Only $65,000..."

H - "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

W - "Great! But before we hang up, something else...

H -"What?"

W - "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's for sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English garden, acre of park area, beach front property."

H - "How much are they asking?"

W - "Only $450,000 -- a magnificent price.. .and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."

H - "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid up to $420,000. OK?"

W - "OK, sweetie...Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"

H - " Bye...I love you too..."

The man hangs up & closes the phone's flap. The other men are looking at him in astonishment and derision. The husband raises his hand while holding the phone and asks " Does anyone know who this Cell phone belong to???"

SARDAR AGAIN

Prince Charles & Sardarji were having dinner.
Prince said, "Pass the wine you divine".
Sardar thinks "how poetic"
Sardar says, "pass the custard you bastard".
************ ********* ********* ********* ********

Sardar at bar in New York .
Man on his right says "Johny Walker single"
Man on his left says "Peter Scotch single"
Sardar says - "Baljith Singh Married"
************ ********* ********* ********* ********

Boss : am giving u job as a driver. STARTING salary Rs.2000/-, is it o.k
Sardar : U R great sir! Starting salary is o.k.......but? ?
how much is DRIVING salary...?
************ ********* ********* ********* ********

Sardar's theory : Moon is more impt than Sun, coz it gives light at
night when light is needed & Sun gives light during the day when light
is not needed!!!
************ ********* ********* ********* ********

2 sardars are driving a Car, one puts on the indicator and asks the
other to check whether its working, he puts his head out and says
YES...NO...YES. ..NO...YES. ..NO...
************ ********* ********* ********* ********
Sardar shouting 2 his girl friend " u said v will do register marriage
and cheated me, I was waiting 4 u yesterday whole day in the post
office....
************ ********* ********* ********* ********

A Tamilian call up sardar and asks " tamil therima??" (means "do you know tamil")
Sardar got mad, angrily replied.... "Hindi tera baap!!!"
************ ********* ********* ********* ********

2 sardarjis looking at Egyptian mummy.
Sar 1 : Look so many bandages, pakka lorry accident case.
Sar 2 : Aaho, lorry number is also written...BC 1760!!!....
************ ********* ********* ********* ********

A sardar on an interview 4 da post detective.
Interviewer : who killed Gandhi?
Sardar : Thank u sir 4 giving me d job, I will start investigating. ......
************ ********* ********* ********* ********

A sardar for an exam had studied only one essay 'FRIEND', but in the
exam the essay which came was 'FATHER' . he replaced friend with father
in the essay and>it read: AM A VERY FATHERLY PERSON, I HAVE LOTS OF FATHERS,
SOME OF MY FATHERS ARE MALE AND SOME ARE FEMALE. MY TRUE
FATHER IS MY NEIGHBOUR.
************ ********* ********* ********* ********

Interviewar: what s ur qualification?
Sardarji : Sir I am Ph.d.
Interviewar : what do u mean by Ph.d?
Sardarji : (smiling) PASSED HIGHSCHOOL with DIFFICULTY.. ..
************ ********* ********* ********* ********

Amitab : In which state Cauvery flows?
Sardar : liquid state.....
Audience clapped.. Amitab stunned, looks behind, ALL WERE SARDARS..... ..
************ ********* ********* ********* ********

Nirma

Shopkeeper:Oh ho Deepika ji , aaiye aaiye.
Kaun sa sabun lena pasand karengi.
Ye dekhiye ye..(Someother soap which is not nirma)

Deepika(Customer):Nahi Nahi ye nahi woh(pointing at nirma).

Shopkeeper:Par aap to woh, purana wala sabun....(stammering)

Deepika(Customer):Leti thi, par wahi safedi mujhe kam damo mein mile tokoiwoh kyun le, ye(nirma) na le!

Shopkeeper:Man gaye!!Deepika(Customer):Kise?

Shopkeeper:Aapki par ki nazar aur nirma super dono ko !!!

Now the song starts... ;-)

WASHING POWDER NIRMA

WASHING POWDER NIRMA

DUDH SE SAFEDI NIRMA SE AAYE

RANGEEN KAPDA BHI KHIL KHIL JAYE

SABKI PASAND NIRMA

WASHING POWDER NIRMA

NIRMA....... ......... ..


LOGO KO KUCH BHI BHEJO PADHNE LAG JATE HAIN........ kya yaar kab sudhroge...

Maar do - Sholay new version

Gabbar: Kitne admi they?
Sambha: Sardar 2
Gabbar: Mujhe ginti nahin aati, 2 kitne hote hain?
Samba: Sardar 2, 1 ke baad aata hai
Gabbar: Aur 2 ke pehle?
Samba: 2 k pehle 1 aata hai.
Gabbar: To beech mein kaun ata hai?
Samba: Beech mein koi nahi aata
Gabbar:: To phir dono ek saath kyun nahin aate?
Samba: 1 k baad hi 2 aa sakta hai, kyun ki 2, 1 se bada hai.
Gabar: 2, 1 se kitna bada hai?
Samba: 2, 1 se 1 bada hai.
Gabbar: Agar 2, 1 se 1 bada hai to 1, 1 se kitna bada hai?
Samnba: Sardar maine aapka namak khaya hai, mujhe goli maar do

July Collection of humorous Quotes

1. I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell.

2. When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep — not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

3. I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

4. "I'm not normally a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me, Superman!" - Homer Simpson

5. 5 out of 4 people don't understand fractions.

6. 47.5% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

7. 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

8. Do you know the difference between God and a neurosurgeon? God doesn't think he is a neurosurgeon!

9. Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted: I am Napoleon! Another one said: How do you know? The first inmate said: God told me! A voice from another room shouted: I did NOT!

Dont Tell lies

One day Mr John bought a robot.
The robot had a specialty. It could detect a lie and would slap the lier on the face. Mr John's Son returned late from school that day so he asked him, " Son why are you late from school?". Son answered, "Dad we had extra classes today". Much to his astonishment the Robot jumped up and slapped the boy on his face. His dad told him" Son, this robot is special in that he can detect a lie and will then slap the person who lied now come on tell me the truth, " Why are you late?" "Dad I went for a movie", " Which movie?" "The Ten Commandments", 'Splat' again he got a tight slap on the face from the robot. " No dad honest I went for the movie Sex Queen." Shame on you son when I was your age I never used to do such shameful things." 'Splat', the dad gets a tight slap on the face from the robot. Hearing all this, the mother comes walking out of the kitchen saying, "After all he is your son, he will be like you", to which the robot steps up and gives a resounding slap on the mothers face!!!!!

Ravan ka Dilemma

One fine morning, Ravan felt guilty day for all his bad deeds. He felt that he should go an apologise to Ram for all the problems he had caused.

So he went to Ram's house and knocked on the door. Ram opened the door and was surprised to find Ravan standing there. Ravan just kept staring and thinking but didn't say a word.

What was he thinking?

Ans: "Kis mooh se maafi maangoon?"

How communication matters a lot !!

Jack and Max are walking from religious service. Jack wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying.

Max replies, "Why don't you ask the Priest?"

So Jack goes up to the Priest and asks, "Priest, may I smoke while I pray?" But the Priest says, "No, my son, you may not. That's utter disrespect to our religion."

Jack goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Priest told him. Max says, "I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question.

Let me try." And so Max goes up to the Priest and asks, "Priest, may I pray while I smoke?" To which the Priest eagerly replies, "By all means, my son...by all means."

Moral of the story: The reply you get depends on the question you ask. Example: Can I work on this project while I'm on vacation??

INTERESTING EQUATION

Human = eat + sleep + work + enjoy

Pigs = eat + sleep

Hence, Human = Pigs + work + enjoy

If, Human - enjoy = Pigs + work

In other words,

Human that don't know enjoy = pigs that work



**************

Men = eat + sleep + earn money

Pigs = eat + sleep

Hence, Men = Pigs + earn money

If Men - earn money = Pigs

In other words,

Men that don't earn money = Pigs



**************

Women = eat + sleep + spend

Pigs = eat + sleep

Hence, Women = Pigs + spend

If, Women - spend = Pigs

In other words,

Women that don't spend = Pigs



**************

Summary:

Men earn money not to let women become pigs!

Women spend not to let men become pigs!

Men + Women = 2 Pigs

Wish all the pigs happy forever.

AMAZING TEST!!!!

A first-grade teacher, Ms Neelam (Age 28) was having trouble with one of her students the teacher asked,"Boy. what is your problem?"

Boy. answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade.My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

Ms Neelam had enough. She took the Boy. to the principal's office. While the Boy waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Neelam he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.She agreed.

The Boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Boy.: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Boy.: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at Ms Neelam and tells her, "I think Boy can go to the third-grade."

Ms Neelam says to the principal, "I have some of my own questions.

Can I ask him ?" The principal and Boy both agreed.

Ms Neelam asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?

Boy., after a moment "Legs."
Ms Nee lam: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?

Boy.: "Pockets."
Ms Neelam: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Boy.: Coconut

Ms Neelam: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And sticky? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Boy. was taking charge.
Boy.: Bubblegum

Ms Neelam: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...
Boy.: Shake hands

Ms Neelam: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Boy.: Yep.

Ms Neelam: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Boy.: Tent

Ms Neelam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Patiala Vodka peg.
Boy.: Wedding Ring

Ms Neelam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Boy.: Nose

Ms Neelam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Boy.: Arrow

Ms Neelam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement?
Boy.: Firetruck

Ms Neelam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u dont get it u have to use ur hand.
Boy.: Fork

Ms Neelam: What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?
Boy.: SURNAME

Ms Neelam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love ?
Boy.: HEART.

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher,

"Send this Boy to IIM Ahmedabad, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"

THE TRUTH

At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth” -- even when you don't know anything.

The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don't tell your father.”

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don't say a word to your mother.”

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says, “Then come give your FATHER a big hug.”

IMAGINE YOU ARE IN AFRICA

Imagine you are in Africa. You have been tied hanging on a tree with a rope anchored on the ground, a candle is slowly burning the rope, and the lion is waiting for you to drop and be his lunch.

Your survival hinges on the rope staying intact. There is no one around to help you. The only possible way is to somehow convince the lion to BLOW the candle out. How do you do that?

.
.






.

ASTROLOGICAL PRAYERS

Aries

Dear God, please give me patience... And could you do it right now?


***********

Taurus

Dear God, help me accept change, but not too quick.


***********

Gemini

Dear God! Who is God? Where is God? Why is God?


***********

Cancer

Dear God!!!


***********

Leo

Yes?


***********

Virgo

Dear God, please make us perfect and don't mess it up like You did the last time.


***********

Libra

Dear God, please help me to be decisive, but on the other hand, what do you think is best?


***********

Scorpio

Our Father, forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors, even though the b*****ds don't deserve it!


***********

Sagittarius

Dear Lord, if I've told you once, I've told you a million times, help me stop exaggerating.


***********

Capricorn

Dear God! I'd like to ask you to help me, but I learned a long time ago not to rely on anyone else!


***********

Aquarius

Dear God, I know I like change, but this chaos is ridiculous!!


***********

Pisces

Dear Lord, as long as I'm going to drink this fifth of Scotch tonight, please use the stimulation for Thy glory .


***********

SOME HUMORUS SIGN ADDS

Advertisement In A Long Island Shop: Guitar, for sale....... Cheap...........no strings attached .


Ad.. In Hospital Waiting Room: Smoking Helps You Lose Weight ... One Lung At A Time!


Seen on a bulletin board: Success Is Relative. More The Success, More The Relatives.

When I Read About The Evils Of Drinking...I Gave Up Reading.


My Grandfather Is Eighty And Still Doesn't Need Glasses... He Drinks Straight Out Of The Bottle.


You Know Your kids Have Grown Up When: Your Daughter Begins To Put On Lipstick.. Or Your Son Starts To Wipe It Off .


Sign In A Bar: "Those Of You Who Are Drinking To Forget, Please Pay In Advance."


Sign In Driving School: If Your Wife Wants To Learn To Drive, Don't Stand In Her Way.


Behind Every Great Man, There Is A Surprised Woman.


The Reason Men Lie Is Because Women Ask So Many Questions.


Getting Caught Is The Mother Of Invention.


Laugh And The World Laughs With You, Snore And You sleep Alone.


The Surest Sign That Intelligent Life Exists Elsewhere In The Universe Is The Fact That It Has Never Tried To Contact Us.


Sign At A Barber's Saloon In Detroit: We Need Your Heads To Run Our Business.


A Traffic Slogan: Don't Let Your Kids Drive If They are Not Old Enough Or Else They Will Never Be.


Sign In A Restaurant: All Drinking Water In This Establishment Has Been Personally Passed By The Manager.


Sign On A Famous Beauty Parlor Window: Don't Whistle At The Girls Going Out From Here. She May Be Your Grandmother !

YOU WILL LAUGH YOUR HEADS OUT AFTER YOU FINISH READING THIS!!!!!!!!

Narrated by a women. Name not disclosed.

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became
apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up
eating beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home
from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and
told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I
passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I
could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill
effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the dinner and
before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans.

All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas. Upon my
arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly:
"Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me
and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he
was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me
promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer
the call. The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the
pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of
the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let
one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck
running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill.

I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.
Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink
was worse than stinking cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the
conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few
minutes.

The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells
signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more
times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it
feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been
the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for
taking so long.

He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I
had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner
guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"!! I nearly
died!!!

ENOUGH OF SARDAR JOKES.. MALLU JOKES ARE HERE!!!!!!!

1) What is the tax on a Mallu's income called?
IngumDax

2) Where did the Malayali study?
In the ko-liage.

3) Why did the Malayali not go to ko-liage today?
He is very bissi.

4) Why did the Malayali buy an air-ticket?
To go to Thuubai, zimbly to meet his ungle in
Gelff.

5) Why do Malayalis go to the Gelff?
To yearn meney.

6) What did the Malayali do when the plane caught
fire?
He zimbly jembd out of the vindow.

7) How does a Malayali spell moon?
MOON - Yem Woh yet another Woh and Yen

8) What is Malayali management graduate called?
Yem Bee Yae.

9) What does a Malayali do when he goes to America?
He changes his name from Karunakaran to Kevin Curren.

10) What does a Malayali use to commute to office
everyday?
An Oto

11) Where does he pray?
In a Temble, Charch and a Maask

12) Who is Bruce Lee's best friend ?
A Malaya-Lee of coarse.

13) Name the only part of the werld, where Malayalis dont werk hard?
Kerala.

14) Why is industrial productivity so low in Kerala?
Because 86% of the shift time is spent on lifting, folding and re-tying the lungi

15) Why did Saddam Hussain attackKuwait?
He had a Mallu baby-sitter, who always used to say
'KEEP QUWAIT' 'KEEP QUWAIT'

16) What is the Latest Malayali Punch Line?
" Frem Tea Shops To Koll Cenders , We Are Yevery Where "

17) Why aren't Mals included in hockey and football
teams ?
Coz Whenever they get a corner , they set up a tea shop.

18) Now pass it on to 5 Mals to get a free sample of
kokanet oil.

19) Pass it on 10 Mals to get a free pack of Benana
Chibbs.

20) Pass it on to 15 Mals to get a set of BROGUN
bones...

ULTIMATE INTERVIEW

One young man went for an IAS Interview.


"When did India get independence?" He was asked.


"The efforts began a few years earlier and final result was in 1947" He replied.


"Who was responsible for our independence?"


"There were so many. Whom to mention? If I name one, it will be a injustice to another. " He replied.

"Is corruption the number one enemy in our country?"


"Some research is going on the subject and I can answer with certainly only after seeing the report" He replied.


The interview board was very pleased with his original and thoughtful answers and asked him not to reveal the questions to others, since they were planning to ask the same questions.

When he went out naturally others were curious to know what was asked. He politely declined, but one persistent Santa would not leave him. "At least tell me the answers" he pleaded, and our friend obliged.


Then it was the turn of this Santa. When he went inside, since his resume was slightly illegible, the board member asked him." By the way, what is your date of birth?"


He replied, " The effort began a few years earlier and final result was in 1947."


Somewhat puzzled, they asked another clarification. "What is your fathers name?"


He replied, "There were so many. Whom to mention". If I name one, it will be injustice to another".


The interviewer was incensed.


" Hey! Are you mad or what?"


He replied. "Some research is going on the subject. I can answer with certainty only after seeing the report ."

Kyunki .... sab gareeb the

Once in a kindergarten, a teacher asked all students to write an essay on the topic "A Poor Family".

One student gets the lowest marks for writing that essay. The student happens to be the richest girl in the entire class and her essay goes on as.......

She wrote:Ek baar ek bahut hee gareeb family thi, husband aur wife dono gareeb they, do bachey they, woh bhi bahut gareeb they!!

Ghar ke saare naukar bhi gareeb they, ghar ka maali, driver, aur guard bhi bahut gareeb they.

Ghar ke 4 kuttey bhi gareeb they, 2 din sey chicken nahi khaaya tha.

3 mercedeez car thi, unki bahut time se servicing nahi hui thi, ghar ka A.C bhi theek nahi chalta tha, aur uppar se ghar mein 1 saal se paint nahi hua tha!!Family ko holiday ke liye foregin country gaye bhi 6 mahiney ho gaye they, Ghar ke 5 mein sey 2 TV to chaltey hee nahi they!!!

All in all, bahut hi gareeb family thi!!

IMPACT OF JOB CHANGE

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a
question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit
a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a
shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said:
"Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out
of me!".

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap
would scare you so much."

The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my
first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a van carrying dead
Bodies for the last 25 years....................

SOME RULES CANNOT BE FOLLOWED

A lady manager of a big reputed office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into her office.


" What is your name?" was the first thing she asked the new guy.

"John ," the new guy replied.


She scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority.

I refer to my employees by their last name only ... Smith, Jones, Baker ...that's all.


I am to be referred to only as Mrs. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed, "Darling............ My name is John Darling."


" Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . . "

MBA v/s BCOM

This particular joke won an award for the best joke in a competition organized in Britain and this joke was sent by an Indian......

A MBA and a Bcom go on a camping trip, set up their tent,and fellasleep.Some hours later, the Bcom wakes his MBA friend. " look up at thesky and tell me what you see.The MBA replies, "I see millions of stars.""What does that tell you?"The MBA ponders for a minute.

"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions ofgalaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we aresmall and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What does it tell you?"

The Bcom is silent for a moment, then speaks."Practically...Someone has stolen our tent".

Wanna know how to find where you live ?!

If you ever get lost in India and want to find out where you are, this is the best way of doing just that.

Scenario 1

Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along, then a fourth and they start arguing about who's right - you are in kolkata.

Scenario 2

Two guys are fighting. a crowd gathers €to watch. Someone calls police. The police come and lathi charge all the people crowded there. Someone throws stones at the police. The police throw stones back at the crowd. some people are arrested. Damages to the shops nearby. Next day, harthal and holiday declared by government ..You are very much in Lucknow,UP....

Scenario 3

Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along & tries to make peace. The first two get together & beat him up - that's Delhi.

Scenario 4

Two guys are fighting. A crowd gathers to watch. A guy comes along and quietly opens a chai stall - that's ahmedabad.

Scenario 5

Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes. He writes a software program to solve the issue but the fight does not stop because of a bug in the program. That's Bangalore ...

Scenario 6

Two guys are fighting. a crowd gathers to watch. A guy comes along and quietly says that amma doesn't like all this nonsense. Peace comes in - that's chennai.

Scenario 7

Two guys are fighting. Both of them take time out and call their friends on mobile. Now 50 guys are fighting. You are in Hyderabad.

Scenario 8

Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along, sees them and walks on - that's mumbai.

MAN AND GOD

A man is talking to God.

The man: "God, how long is a million years?"
God: "To me, it's about a minute."
The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God: "To me it's a penny."
The man: "God, may I have a penny?"
God: "Wait a minute."



Here is a good riddle to demonstrate the battle-between-the-sexes kind of jokes.

Q: Why did God create the man before he created the woman?
A1: The answer that men give: To give him the chance to enjoy Heaven on Earth for a few moments.
A2: The answer that women give: Everyone makes a draft first!

Funny Pics

SARDAR TAILGATING

One day a truck driver was driving down a highway when he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a Sardar in a little blue car tailgating him. Well, this truck driver hated to be tailgated, so he stops his truck and walks over to the car, which had also stopped and said, "Hey, dude, if you don`t stop tailgating me, I`m going to bust up your car."

So he gets back in truck and drives away.
A little while later he looks in his rear view mirror, and sees the Sardar tailgating him again. So he stops his truck, gets out, and walks over to the car, saying, "Hey dude, stop tailgating me, or I`ll bust up your car."


So he gets back in his truck and drives away.
A little while later he again looks in his rear view mirror, and once again the Sardar is tailgating him. So he stops his truck, walks over to the car, and says, "Dude, Come out....."

So the Sardar steps out of his car, and the truck driver draws a circle on the roadside, saying, "Now don`t step out of that circle."

Then he proceeds to bust up the Sardars car. Smashing the windshields and windows. And the Sardar starts laughing.

The truck driver rips out the seats, and busts all the tires.

And the Sardar keeps laughing.

He takes a sledge hammer from his truck, and pounds in the frame, rips out the steering wheel, cuts the brake lines, etc, until the car is completely totaled.
And the Sardar is still laughing.
The truck driver walks over to the Sardar, and says, "Dude, I just completely totaled your car, and you`re still laughing.
What is so funny?????"


The Sardar replies, giggling,

"I stepped out the circle and you didn't see me!!!!!!!!"

Don't laugh!

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were on their way to Heaven.
God told them that the stairway to Heaven was 1000 steps, and that on every 25th step he would tell them
a joke. He told them not to laugh at any of the jokes along the way or else they would not be able to enter heaven.
The brunette went first and started laughing on the 150th step, so she could not enter heaven.
The redhead went next and started laughing on the 350th step, so she could not enter heaven either.
Then, it was the blonde's turn. When she got to the 999th step, she started laughing.
"Why are you laughing?" God asked. "I didn't tell a joke."
"I know," the blonde replied. "I just got the first joke."

Management Joke - II

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.
A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered: "Sure, why not."

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story is: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

THE ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER.

OLD VERSION.

-------------

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks the ant's a fool and laughs & dances & plays the summer away. Winter comes; the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.

----------------

MODERN VERSION.

----------------

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks the ant's a fool and laughs & dances & plays the summer away.

Winter comes, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.

NDTV, BBC, CNN show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. The World is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be that this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Arundhati Roy stages a demonstration in front of the ant’s house. Medha Patkar goes on a fast along with other grasshoppers demanding that grasshoppers be relocated to warmer climates during winter. Amnesty International and Koffi Annan criticize the Indian Government for not upholding the fundamental rights of the grasshopper. The Internet is flooded with online petitions seeking support to the grasshopper (many promising Heaven and Everlasting Peace for prompt support as against the wrath of God for non-compliance). Opposition MP's stage a walkout. Left parties call for “Bharat Bandh" in West Bengal and Kerala demanding a Judicial Enquiry. CPM in Kerala immediately passes a law preventing Ants from working hard in the heat so as to bring about equality of poverty among ants and grasshoppers. Lalu Prasad allocates one free coach to Grasshoppers on all Indian Railway Trains, aptly named as the 'Grasshopper Rath'.

Finally, the Judicial Committee drafts the Prevention of Terrorism Against

Grasshoppers Act [POTAGA]", with effect from the beginning of the winter.

Arjun Singh makes Special Reservation for Grass Hopper in educational Insititutions & in Govt Services.

The ant is fined for failing to comply with POTAGA and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the Government and handed over to the grasshopper in a ceremony covered by NDTV.

Arundhati Roy calls it "a triumph of justice". Lalu calls it Socialistic Justice'. CPM calls it the 'revolutionary resurgence of the downtrodden' Koffi Annan invites the grasshopper to address the UN General Assembly.

Many years later...The ant has since migrated to the US and set up a multi billion dollar company in Silicon Valley. 100s of grasshoppers still die of starvation despite reservation somewhere in India.

LEAVE LETTERS AND APPLICATIONS

This is a collection of leave letters and applications
written by people in various places of India...



1. Infosys, Bangalore: An employee applied for leave as follows:

Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with
my wife, please sanction me one-week leave.



2. This is from Oracle Bangalore: >From an employee who was performing
the "mundan" ceremony of his 10 year old son:

"as I want to shave my son's head, please leave me for two days.."



3. Another gem from CDAC. Leave-letter from an employee
who was performing his daughter's wedding:

"as I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave.."



4. From H.A.L. Administration dept:

"As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible
for it, please grant me 10 days leave."



5. Another employee applied for half day leave as follows:

"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clock and I
may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"



6. An incident of a leave letter

"I am suffering from fever, please declare one day holiday."



7. A leave letter to the headmaster:

"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache.
I request you to leave me today"



8. Another leave letter written to the headmaster:

"As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day."



9. Covering note:

"I am enclosed herewith..."



10. Another one:

"Dear Sir: with reference to the above, please refer to my below..."



11. Actual letter written for application of leave:

"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home
I may be granted leave".



12. Letter writing: -

"I am in well here and hope you are also in the same well."



13. A candidate's job application:

"This has reference to your advertisement calling for a ' Typist and an
Accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both(!! )for the past several years
and I can handle both with good experience, I am applying for the post.

A very very very touching love story

There was a mosquito and a dog who loved each other a lot

………..


One day the mosquito got excited and gave a love bite to the dog

……..


The dog became emotional and bit the mosquito

…….


The next day

………………….
….

….

….

….

….

….

….


….

….

….

….

….

….


Mosquito died of rabies and dog died of malaria………………..



What a touching story………………………..!!!!!!

Hen and her chickens

A hen and her 3 little chickens were trying to cross a busy highway.
After great efforts they all managed to cross it. One of the little ones yells out happily-"Wow. ...after so much efforts, all 5 of us managed to cross"

....

Qn. Why does the little one say "all 5 of us" ????

Think a little bit ....... Its easy !SCROLL DOWN FOR THE

ANS:
ARRE BACHCHE HAIN...KUCH BHI BOL DETE HAIN ...TU TENSION MAT LE APNA KAAM KAR

Scare Compilation........Watch it

Musharraf, Manmohan, Aishwarya Rai and Sonia in a train

Musharraf, Manmohan, Aishwarya rai and Sonia are traveling in a train. The train goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap! The train comes out of the tunnel.The women and Manmohan are sitting there looking perplexed. Musharraf is bent over holding his face, which is RED from an apparent slap. All of them remain diplomatic and nobody says anything.
Sonia is thinking:
These Pakistanis are all crazy after Aishwarya. Musharraf must have tried to kiss her in the tunnel. Very proper that she slapped him.
Aishwarya is thinking:
Musharraf must have tried to kiss me but kissed Sonia instead and got slapped.
Musharraf is thinking:
Damn it. Manmohan must have tried to kiss Aishwarya. She might have thought it was me and slapped me.
Manmohan is thinking:
If this train goes through another tunnel I will make another kissing sound and slap Musharraf again.

A sardarni's letter to her son

My dear Jagjit,

I am in a well here and hoping you are also in a well there.
I'm writing this letter slowly, because I know you cannot read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen 20 miles from home, so we moved 20 miles.I won't be able to send the address as the last Sardar who stayed here took the house numbers with them for their new house so they would not have to change their address. Hopefully by next week we will be able to take our earlier address plate here, and that our address will remain same too.This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine, situated right above the toilet I'm not sure it works too well. Last week I put in 3 shirts, pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.The weather here isn't too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first time it rained for 3 days and second time for 4 days.The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all the metal buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket.Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass at the cemetery.By the way I took Bahu to our club's poolside. The manager is Badmash. He told her that two piece swimming suit is not allowed in his club. We were confused as to which piece should we remove?Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it is a girl or a boy, so I don't know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle.Your uncle, Jetinder fell in the nearby well. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off bravely and drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.

There isn't much more news this time. Nothing much has happened.Love - Mom.

P.S. Jagjit, I was going to send you some money but by the time I realized, I had already sealed off this letter

Utterly Butterly Delicious --- AMUL!...

Corporate Lesson - Part 1

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk."I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world" Poof! She's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

SEE HOW TSUNAMI STARTED

THANK GOD....!!"

A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee.....

On his first day, he dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone:
"Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!"

The voice from the other side responded: "You fool, you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know whom you're talking to?"

"No" replied the trainee........

"It's the Managing Director of the company, you idiot!"

The trainee shouted back: "And do you know whom YOU are talking to, you IDIOT?"

"No!" replied the Managing Director angrily.

"Thank God....!!" replied the trainee and put down the phone..

SANTA SINGH ANSWERS MEDICAL TERMINOLOGY

Have you heard of Mr. Santa Singh applying to a medical school to become a doctor? Needless to say he never made it. You know why? These are the answers he wrote in his entrance exam.

Antibody - against everyone
Artery - The study of the paintings.
Bacteria - back door to a cafeteria.
Caesarean section - a district in Rome.
Cardiology - advance study of poker playing.
Cat scan - searching for lost kitty.
Chronic - neck of a crow.
Coma - punctuation mark.
Cortisone - area around local court.
Cyst - short for sister.
Diagnosis - person with slanted nose.
Dilate - the late British Princess Diana.
Dislocation - in this place.
Duodenum - couple in blue jeans.
Enema - not a friend.
Fake labour - pretending to work.
Genes - blue denim.
Hernia - she is close by.
Impotent - distinguished/well known.
Labour pain - hurt at work.
Lactose - people without toes.
Lymph - walk unsteadily.
Microbes - small dressing gown.
Obesity - city of Obe.
Pacemaker - winner of Nobel peace prize.
Proteins - in favor of teens.
Pulse - grain.
Pus - small cat.
Red blood count - Dracula.
Secretion - hiding anything.
Tablet - small table.
Ultrasound - radical noise.

LETS TALK

A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane. Being bored, he turned to the girl and said, "Let's talk. I''ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, "What would you like to talk about?" Oh, I don't know," said the guy. "How about nuclear power?" "OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff.......grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?" The guy thought about it and said, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which the girl replied,

"Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don''t know sh*t?"

TWO LOVERS

When the girl's father came to know about their love, he did not like it at all, and so began to protest about it. Now it happened that the two lovers decided to leave their homes for a happy future. The girl's father started searching for the two lovers but could not find them. At last, he accepted their love and asked them to come back home thru a local newspaper. Her father said "If you both come back I will allow you to marry the guy you love, I accept that you loved each other truly." So in this way, their love won and they returned home. The couple next day went to town to shop for the wedding dress. He was dressed in a white shirt that day. While he was crossing the road to the other side to get some drinks for his wife, a car came and hit him and he died on the spot. The girl was devastated and lost her senses. It was only after sometime that she recovered from her shock. The funeral and cremation was the very next day because he had died horribly. Two nights later, the girl's mother had a dream in which she saw an old lady. The old lady asked her mother to wash the blood stains of the guy from her daughter's dress as soon as possible. But her mother ignored the dream. The next night her father had the same dream, he also ignored it. Then the girl had the same dream the next night, she woke up in fear and told her mother about the dream. Her mother asked her to wash the clothes with the blood stains immediately. She washed the stains but some remained. Next night she again had the same dream. She again washed the stains but some still remained. But again the next night she had the same dream and this time the old lady gave her a last warning to wash the blood stain, or else something terrible would happen. This time the girl tried her best to wash the stains, and the clothes nearly tore, but some stains still remained. She was very tired. In the late evening the same day while she was alone at home, someone knocked on the door. When she opened the door she saw the same old lady of her dream standing at her door. She got very scared and fainted. The old lady woke her up... and gave her a blue object, which shocked the girl. She asked "What is this...?" The old lady replied... . . . . . . . .



"This is Nirma Washing Powder" "Washing powder nirma,Washing powder nirma Doodh si safedi nirma se aaye, Rangeen kapde bhi khil khil jaye, sabki pasand nirma Washing powder nirma,Washing powder nirma.Nirma"
10 ka 1, do pe ek free

100 sardars killed in a train accident

Aaj Tak(news channel) gets news that 100 sardars are killed in a train accidentat Amritsar station.

Only one sardar left alive.

The correspondent goes to him and asks, Sardarji how did it happen?
Sardar: oh ji pucho mat.. sab kuch sahi tha sab log platform par khade gaadi ki wait karrahe they. Achanak announcement hui ki shatabdee express 2 no. platform par aa rahi hai.Jaise hi sab ne suna ki gaddi PLATFORM PAR aa rahi hai, sab log apni jaan bachane ke liyepatri par kood gaye. Aur tabhi gaddi patri par aa gayi.

Aaj tak: Thank god. Aap ne samajhdari dikhayee. Aap patri par nahin koode.Sardar: oye nahin ji main to suicide karne ki liye patri par hi leta tha.Jaise hi announcement hui main to platform par chad gaya

Something went wrong ;P

One night a guy dropped his girlfriend at her home. As they were about to wish each other goodnight at the front door, the guy started feeling a little in the mood. With an air of confidence, he leaned with his hand against the wall and smiling, he said to her "Honey , would you give me a kiss?"

Horrified, she replied, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" He asked grinning at her.
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?""
Oh come on!There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!".
"No way , it's just too risky!"
"Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?".
"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!".
"Oh yes you can. Please?"
"No, no. I just can't" "I'm begging you ...

"Out of the blue, the light on the stairs went on, andThe girl's elder sister showed up in her pajamas, hair dishevelled, And in a sleepy voice she said,"Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss, or I can do it. Or if need Be, mom says she can come down herself and do it, but for God's sake and all of ours....TELL HIM TO TAKE HIS HAND OFF THE DOOR BELL ........

Management Jokes - Part 1

The manager of a large corporation got a heart attack, and the doctor told him to go for several weeks to a farm to relax. The guy went to a farm, and after a couple of days he was very bored, so he asked the farmer to give him some job to do.The farmer told him to clean the shit of the cows. The farmer thought that to somebody coming from the city, working the whole life sitting in an office, it will take over a week to finish the job, but for his surprise the manager finished the job in less than one day.The next day the farmer gave to the manager a more difficult job: to cut the heads of 500 chickens. The farmer was sure that the manager will not be able to do the job, but at the end of the day the job was done.The next morning, as most of the jobs in the farm were done, the farmer asked the manager to divide a bag of potatoes in two boxes: one box with small potatoes, and one box with big potatoes.At the end of the day the farmer saw that the manager was sitting in front of the potatoes bag, but the two boxes were empty. The farmer asked the manager: "How is that you made such difficult jobs during the first days, and now you cannot do this simple job?"

The manager answered: "Listen, all my life I'm cutting heads and dealing with shit, but now you ask me to make decisions."

Set of Sardar Jokes - Part 2

Ladka: Janeman is dil mein aaja.
Ladki: Sandal nikalu kya?
Ladka: Pagli mandir thodi hi hai, aise hi aaja!!

============================

Sardar : Sitting on The Top of the Mountain and Studying.... When aPerson asked what he was doing.... He replied... Oye!! Higher Studies Yaar...!

============================

Sardar: O Banno Car ki speed itani ky badha di..?
biwi: Oji Car ki break fail ho gayi hai, Exident ho jaye iske pahale ghar pahunch jaate hai.
============================

How can a Sardar Kill a Lion ? Sardarji thinks N thinks hard & comes to a conclusion: I'll drink poison n let lion eat me. O' bolo ta ra ra.
============================

Situational : A sons letter to his dad

A father passing by his Son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed.


It was addressed to "Dad"


With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:



Dear Dad,


It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.

I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice-even with all her piercing's, tattoo's, and her tight Motorcycle clothes.

But it's not only the passion dad, she's pregnant and Joan said that we will be very happy.

Even though you don't care for her as she is so much older than I, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.

She wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too.

Joan taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and
ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.


Your son, Justin


PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house.

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer.

I love you!

Call when it is safe for me to come home!!

COMPANY POLICY

Dress Code
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

Bereavement Leave
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Toilet Use
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category." Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation's, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

Smart Blonde

A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains how the game works: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and visa versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The chauvinistic lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer: "Okay, how about this "If you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Air phone with his modem and searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, of searching for the answer he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little frustrated, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what is the answer?"
Again without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

REST IN PEACE

A new business was opening, and a long-time friend of the owner decided to send flowers for the occasion.
He arrived at the "grand opening", accepted a glass of champagne and a warm handshake from his host, then browsed about the room examining the many floral arrangements and potted plants. Finally, he happened upon his own offering, only to find an attached card bearing this sentiment: "Rest in Peace"
Embarrassed and irate at the florist's error, he phoned to lodge a complaint. After venting his anger in a lengthy tirade, he waited impatiently for the florist's explanation. "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry....imagine this: Somewhere a funeral is taking place today, and they have a lovely floral spray with an attached note saying: CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR NEW LOCATION